Thursday, August 23, 2012

...gravity hurts...

it's been a while, i know. i have a bag of excuses, but the point is this blog basically has tumble weeds rolling across it. 

...and there they go...

i've put my head down and haven't looked up in months.  between studly and boog; friends and family.  moving.  work.  so much work...i have felt buried, however, i have kind of liked it.  almost like my business kept me from acknowledging i was moving across the country.  away from everything i had built over 27 years, 6 of those being with studly, and 1.5 being with boog.  lots of years, lots of life.  how do you pack that up in a u-haul and replant it?

doesn't matter, we did it...or i guess we are in the process of doing it.  i mean, we did it, right?  i'm sitting in my new house in ohio.  we took everything we owned and moved it across the country.  

iowa really IS all corn.

as i slowly unpack i try to keep my new house familiar, but different and fresh, like i get some sort of re do with life.  that no one knows me here.  i am just the same as everyone else.   no insane back story that is unbelievable.  no broken pieces.  no brain tumors or carved out ovaries.  

however, i don't know how to be someone who isn't those things.  does that even make sense?  i've let my experiences define me in such a way that moving to where i'm such an unknown, i can't figure out how to show myself without all that baggage.  

no, my metaphorical baggage.  i know it already looks like i'm trying to steal watermelons from the grocery store.  this is why i lounge around in sweat pants.  illusions, my friends, illusions.  

perhaps i have no clue what i'm talking about.  actually, that is most likely the case.  i feel as if i am unstable ground and i can't find anything to hold on to.  being in particularly stressful situations brings out so much more than feelings on the current predicament.  

first and foremost, infertility.  holy crap, it's never going away, is it?  i ran 1800 miles and IT'S STILL HERE.  i can't seem to shake it.  i know that i will never be able to out run it, but some reprieve would be nice.  i look at my sweet son and have this feeling that he could be it.  just boog.  studly.  kenna.  boog.  

boog.  he is enough.  my world.  it's so interesting how studly and i have changed since he entered our lives.  before boog, we were so selfish, which was fine.  our lives were governed by what we wanted from life, what we wanted to do, wanted to buy, wanted to experience.  as soon as boog came, it shifted.

it's about about him now.  what we want for his life.  what we want to provide him, what we want him to be able to experience.  it's quite amazing.  never would i have believed i could look beyond my own wants.  i'm a selfish person by nature, and my son has taught me something about selflessness.  

yes, we want another child so badly.  the taste in our mouths from kate and the second failed placement still linger.  i want a newborn.  there, i said it.  i want to experience what was taken from me.  

however, that has taken a back seat to what i want for boog.  i want him to be a big brother.  i want him to shine in that role, because i know he will.  i want to be able to tell him that, 'yes, kiddo, a sister/brother is coming.'  (he always asks me for a sister)  i want this for my family.  

i know, you are trying to figure out how we got from moving to infertility.  i don't know either.

it's always there.  always.

i'm sterile.  no chance.  no choice.  i fail.

how do i tell my son i can't give him a sibling?  he is starting to understand...

will he resent me when he grows up without a sibling?  we know he deserves to be one.

will studly be okay with being the father of one?  i hope so, because he is a spectacular father to one.  

will i be okay?  i will be, even if i can't out run it.  

he is my one.

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Ashley said...

Love this. Love you.

elliespen said...

What Ashley said. Hugs.

Anonymous said...

You me coke and a big hug. Next month.

shannon slayton said...

I am sorry you are struggling Kenna.

I too have felt all of these feelings many many times. It is hard to uproot and leave everything all the time being in the military. Nothing is permanent. Nothing is safe. It all can change in an instant. I have struggled so badly with my photography because as soon as I get clients we move.
BUT I have to say that I have learned to roll with the punches. NOW this does NOT mean that it is easy or fun. it just means I have learned to go with the flow.
If you can look for ways to learn from your uncomfortable situation. When you no longer have familiar things to lean on you really find out what it's like to lean on the Lord for literally everything. You do have a new chance to start over. DO NOT let your past define who you are. Your experiences do not make you who you are, WHAT you have done with them make you who you are.
Yes you are someone who has experienced extreme loss and trauma, but who you really are is a person who has come out the other side alive with a burning testimony of the tender mercies of the Lord. THAT is who you are. Not Broken, but someone who had been built by the Lord for battle.

As far as the infertility thing .... well.....
I have no answers for that one. It's something I struggle with all the time also.
I would love nothing more than to give Kalea a sibling.
How?.....not sure When?... not sure

All I can do is say that I am praying for your babies to come home soon. No matter the way;)

mrs. m said...

Today I drink my coke for you. (But don't tell anyone cause I'm not supposed to be drinking it.)

hope2adoptbaby said...

I drank a straight up coke for you today. (For the record, it was nasty. Diet coke is much better).

As I've said before, I don't have any great or wise words to make you feel better. I love you though! :)


Brinn said...

hugs to you friend. I feel your pain. The desire to provide a sibling is heart wrenching when, as harper says, "my uterus is broken". Yes, my six year old talks about my uterus... is that weird? Because before Harper, wanting a baby was purely selfish. Now it's purely selfless with a pinch of selfish in there. I want my son to be a big brother. I want him to not play by himself everyday. I want it so badly my teeth hurt. So I feel you kenna girl. Our boys will become brothers, come hell or high water.

The Jensens said...

Isn't infertility fun?! After looking at profile after profile of available kiddos in foster care I still want a baby. I worry, too, that my (currently) non-existent child will want a sibling and we won't be able to give them one (or won't have the patience or stamina to keep up fostering to do so).


Anonymous said...

kenna girl. it will happen. i just know it! you all will have a newborn in the family. promise!

love you and so happy you are settling in ohio. we must take a drive and meet one of these days!

Nicole said...

i totally get how you are feeling in this. It's almost like your experiences don't count anymore when no one knows what they are and what it took to get you where youre at today to the be the person you became on your way to the person youll become. Does that make sense? Its like wondering how people will see you as just some other young mom from UTah in grad school and trying to sift through all the stereotypes that come along with that to find out you are a person. Well if there is one thing I have learned is everyone has a story and everyone's story is ever changing and every shifting. So here is the challenge: be YOU and not just a brain tumor minus some ovaries. and know this: that not everyone is looking at you or expecting anything from you other than genuine. Where you experience not on you sleeve but like a hidden suit of armor that doubles as confidence!

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