Wednesday, September 12, 2012

...bewilderment...


this is basically how i look every day.  crazy hair, crazy eyes, no makeup.  so basically i look like a thirteen year old boy.  a thirteen year old boy with huge knockers.

i find i'm in an awkward stage of shock and bewilderment.  we've been in ohio for almost four weeks, but it still feels so very foreign.  almost like i'm on some sort of vacation and any day now i'll be at home in my own bed.  the thing is, each night i crawl into bed, i am home, and it is my own bed.  it is more imperative than ever that i work hard to stay busy, and slowly define myself as an ohioan...ohioite. i like ohioite.  the longer i try to cling to my identity in utah, the harder it is to transition.  i'm no stranger to change, let's be honest, but this change is like nothing i've ever experienced.  

one of the most annoying parts about it?  learning new grocery stores.  what. a. pain.  (first world problems)

at first i was amazed by how well boog is adjusting, then i realized that he is three (well, in three weeks, WHAT?!) and the most reseliant child i know.  he adapts so well to new surroundings and situations.  what a talent!  he is like his dad that way.  he is calm, collected, and rolling with the changes.


this kid knows how to relax.


studly is doing amazingly too!  he has jumped head first into his pharm school studies and looks so handsome when he leaves every morning dressed to the nines with his white coat.  what is, 'the white coat' you ask?  why, it's the $150,000 coat studly gets for school.  you know, we pay them tuition, he gets a coat to look legit.  sure, i get a little torqued at the price of tuition, but then there have been moments like this...


 that smile is one of a very deserving dood.



so i confess with my boys thriving, i feel a little pathetic.  as if i should have it together too.  instead of wanting to sleep all day, i should be CHANGING THE WORLD or something.  or being some type of crazy awesome...anything.  my footing is shaky here.  it's new, unstable, unfamiliar.  it's just not my nature to go balls to the wall.  

okay, better visual, i'm that person who slowly immerses themselves in the swimming pool instead of just jumping in and getting it over with.  no matter how much i KNOW if i just JUMP ALREADY it will get better, quicker, i wade ever so slowly.  testing each step for steadiness, making sure there are no sharks or the like.  

my boys are jumpers.

i'm bewildered.  

moving to ohio hasn't just been new surroundings, grocery stores, and insanely bi polar gas prices.  studly and i had to have the long and painful conversation about family building...again.  sigh, i hate these conversations because they always leave both of us so frustrated and beaten down.  it's a hard reminder of all that we want but can't have.  all that we can't control.  of course we try so hard to keep a mindset of what we CAN control, but those of you who have dealt with, well, life, know it's so much easier to get stuck in what is beyond our manipulation.  

i was talking with a good friend today.  we both have experienced terrifying medical conditions/surgeries and have felt the pressure to, 'just be okay already.'  we don't feel okay.  while with time things do improve, some things have to be integrated into our daily life and dealt with on a daily basis.  this can be challenging because they aren't things you can see.  no outward signs of distress or struggle.  if you looked at either of us you wouldn't have a clue.  this basically applies to all of us, right?  there are battles raging in our hearts, but no one can hear our cries.  it's a daily task.  relearning how to be happy, to breathe, to survive with what you have been given.  a daily task to remember that you are alive and to live as such.  a daily fight to live in the joy and not the fear.  a daily recognition of all you've been blessed with instead of all that has been taken from you.  

it is a daily task to know that life is full of light because you've been in the darkest of places.  holes and pits that no one can even fathom.  

now, please don't misunderstand me.  i don't wake up every day and think, 'life sucks' and try to make sense out of it.  what i am trying to say is finding joy and being truly happy takes a lot of work.  those who make it seem like it's easy, well, good for them for wanting it to seem easy.  it's not all bubble baths and roses with babies, bare feet and aprons mixed in.

it's sweat.  blood.  tears.  prayers.  hope.  pain.  fear.  

all of which lead to happiness if you let it.

at least that's what i'm learning.



p to the s : this was my 666th post.  you will probably be cursed if you read it. 

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15 comments:

Ashley said...

I swear if you try to use the phrase "I should be okay already" again I'm going to drive out there and backhand you.

Love your guts. Even the ones you're missing. I'm here for you.

hope2adoptbaby said...

You. Amaze. Me. Love you!!

Tyson and Maren said...

I. Freaking. Adore. You. :)
Lemme know if I need to overnight (or rather over week) you some chia seeds hehe)

Trent and Janel Lyman said...

ah snap. I'm cursed. Let's hope the cursing doesn't last too long, although cursing can be fun at times.

Moving sucks. Sorry the adjustment has been rough. It was rough for me when we moved, and it was only 3 miles! Half way across the country is a massive move. It will get better. Until then, sleep in, eat ice cream, and watch trashy tv all day :) Wish I could be there with you!

Love you!!

Ashley said...

Thank you for posting this. We're looking at the possibility of moving out of state, and it TERRIFIES me, for reasons like having to find a new grocery store. It makes me feel better to know that sometimes it takes a lot of work to be happy, and that doesn't mean I'm a terrible person if I have to work at it. So thank you. And good luck with the transition to being an Ohioite.

The Jensens said...

You have such a way with words! I am feeling the exact same way (well, not about the grocery store). You are doing something spectacular, you are raising and teaching Boog!!!

Love ya girl :-)

Cali said...

Amazing post Kenna. I especially like this: "it is a daily task to know that life is full of light because you've been in the darkest of places." Hear hear.

A good reminder to "be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

By the way, you already are going BALLS TO THE WALL, just by surviving each day. If anyone I know has the guts and gumption to do it, it's you.

Love you girl, and thinking of you.

Cali

Sell...Party Of 5 said...

I think you are doing a better job out there than I would...go Kenna. :)

Of course you tell me after I read the post it is 666...

Sending lovey dovey thoughts and vibes to you woman.

A. B. said...

I moved from AZ/UT to North Carolina so my husband could go to med school. I feel your pain with the whole moving far away business. It bites. My mom came and visited two weeks after I moved out here and when she left I cried myself all the way home from the airport and then some (2 hours total). My stomach hurt the next day from such a long bout of crying. I know your not a stranger to that but moving is hard. Good luck with the grocery store! I missed Macey's so bad I could hardly stand it!

Serenity said...

Crap, I'm cursed. :)

My thought when I read is "of course it's hard. It's yet another part of her life in which she has no control."

And that's the hard part about being happy; the fact that so many people get to live their lives thinking that they make decisions which lead to their happiness - they have control over it.

You, and me, and your friends who have health struggles (and other struggles), don't HAVE the luxury of thinking, "hey, I DID that." We just have to abide by life and find the happiness in the stuff that happens to us.

Anyway. First world problems or not, it's hard to move. Hard to find your way when nothing's really familiar. Stick with it, though.

xoxo

Layla said...

I really needed to read this today (and every day hereafter). I relate, so much. We'll figure all of this out, right? Right. Right.

lec said...

Not cursed, blessed. Keep writing. Love the sentence "There are battles raging in our hearts but no one can hear our cries." Everyone suffers, we're just all really good at putting on the public face.

Explore, find one new something every day for you and the boy to discover.

From H-town -

Jamie said...

Yah, and yah. I feel you. I mean, I haven't had life altering surgeries, or deal with the same kind of struggles. But, like you said, we ALL struggle. Even those people who seem happy all the time and have the perfect life? How the hell do they do that? Anyway, life is all about learning, and from the sounds of it, that's exactly what you're doing. Sending you lots of love your way, Kenna.

Brianne said...

We have lived in Portland a whole year now and I still feel like a visitor. We've been clinging on to Utah, part of why we've kept our Utah license plates still... but that is soon to change. Utah will always be home, but we are finding ways to enjoy Oregon while we are here.
Being happy every day is SUCH hard work. Infertility is kicking my butt lately and finding joy through tribulation is so stinking hard. If you hang in there, I will too, and know that you are always loved!

Kristin said...

I hate moving, but I always end up making friends that I can't imagine not knowing. Much as I miss Utah, I think David and I grow closer to each other when we're away from family. Hope it gets better!

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