Tuesday, October 23, 2012

...off i go...


i think i'm finally ready to sit here and type out a semi coherent post about the past couple of weeks. my house is still; quiet.  everyone is tucked in bed and sleeping peacefully.  this is when i can finally connect my brain with my heart to decipher my thoughts and feelings concerning my life experiences big and small.

oh, my friends, i feel like there have been some big experiences.  big, soul stretching, mind exploding, pull me through hell and back experiences.  most days i am able to move through my rather boring existence without any fall out.  

most days.

a couple weeks ago i noticed some stabbing pain where my right ovary used to be.  i brushed it off, assuming it was only pain from the hernia repair i had in july.  as the pain continued intermittently, i noticed it was nothing like the recovery pain from my surgery.  my heart fell into my stomach then my stomach fell into my butt.  i knew the pain.  the all too familiar 'cheese grating my insides' pain.  now, it wasn't consistent, so i would take it as it came.  some tylenol here and there would help me get through the rough hours.  

two weeks ago, the pain hit and was consistent for three days.  the intensity increased and since i have yet to find a doctor here in ohio, i called some doctors from utah and begged for help.  unfortunately, they didn't get back to me and later into the night studly took me to the er.  it truly felt like someone was trying to cut my remaining organs out with a spoon.  after at least 73 questions (at least of 11 of them asking about my bowel movements.  that felt slightly excessive)  i was admitted.  the pain was so awful i thought i was going to smash my head through the wall just to get relief.  (it made sense at the time)  the sweet er nurse quickly got me hooked up to some pain medication and after four doses of morphine i stopped writhing.  i vaguely remember being rolled somewhere for a ct scan and i am pretty sure that was to rule out appendicitis.  (after all the surgeries i really don't know why they didn't take that little sucker out.  preemptive strike, you know?)  through my drug induced semi coma i tried to explain to the er doctor that i had stage 4 endometriosis and i knew it hadn't all been taken out.  honestly the dood was super dismissive, but whatever.  i knew what was going on.  luckily they sent me out the door with the name of a specialist close by.  the amazing nurse also gave me one more dose of morphine before i was released so i could sleep at home.  seriously, that girl is so getting a thank you card.  although she might think it's super creepy because i remember that after my second dose of morphine i told her she had beautiful eyes. . .

i met with the specialist this past thursday.  casey put it best when she told me, 'i hate doctor shopping more than i hate any other kind of human shopping.'  he was super knowledgeable, but didn't even glance at my chart or history that had been sent to him from the er a week before.  his first couple of questions were about my cycle and i had to tell him, 'THEY GUTTED ME DOOD!'  seriously.  i wrote it in all caps on my info sheet, too.  

'not even any ovaries?!' he asks...

'no.  seriously.  nothing in there.  pinky swear.'  (i take pinky swears very seriously which he must have caught on to because he finally wised up and stopped asking dumb questions)

then began the hour conversation of my history, the surgeries, stage four endometriosis, and the meds i was put on. (specifically estrogen)  followed by a most uncomfortable pelvic exam.  you'd think that my stifled sobs would clue him in the the fact that i thought i was dying.  

'looks like you definitely have some pain.' he told me.

i think this is the part where my mind exploded.  i stared at him for a good sixty seconds without blinking or saying a word.

'probably from the endometriosis.'  he continued.

this is when my eye started to twitch.  

the shortened version of the rest of our conversation goes something along the following lines.  after all the surgeries, i was still put on estrogen because i'm so young and my dear doctor in utah wanted to save me from dealing with full blown menopause at the sweet age of 25.  however, estrogen is what endo feeds on.  so, if there were ANY microscopic cells ANYWHERE in my body, they could feed off the estrogen and the endo would start growing and basically it's this ridiculous cycle of evil.  since i don't have any reproductive organs, those cells are just SOMEWHERE in my pelvic cavity, and trying to find them and zap them would basically be a waste of time because it could make things ten times worse.  messing with scar tissue is like punching a lion in the testicles.  not to mention that the scar tissue has basically plastered my pelvic cavity like a spider web. (yes, i realize i used the word, 'basically' basically a million times)

so, then comes the plan.  

remove me from celexa, which i have been taking to help curb the irritability, moodiness, general insanity of menopause and start me on effexor.  this is normally used for depression but it has been found to aid women with the side effects of menopause.  then, after two weeks of the effexor (which, after four days, is killing me), remove me completely from the estrogen.  now, if you know anything about estrogen and how important it is to the well being of your whole being, you will quickly realize that this scares. the. shit. out of me.  i have a lot of goals in life.  being the she hulk is NOT one of them.  oh, and as for the pain?  i am being sent to a pain clinic.  

now, maybe this doesn't seem like a big deal to anyone.  so things didn't work out, right?  you go to plan b, or h, or whatever.  i wish this was the case.  we are officially on plan z right now.  four surgeries in two years and here i am, 27.5 years old and at the end of my physical and mental rope.  no more options.  no more surgeries.  just the facts.

stage four endometriosis did so much damage that i will feel this pain for many, many, many years.  FOR. EV. ER.  (think sandlot)

i'm devastated.  i really went into this journey thinking i would come out of it, well, fixed!  why would i put myself through all of that for a life time of pain?!  sigh, i know it's not anyone's fault.  this can happen.  it DOES happen.  i just really didn't think it would happen here.  as i drove to the target to get my new prescription, i cried to my mom.  she is 1800 miles away and can't hug me.  my friends and family are so far.  i feel alone and frustrated out here; facing this without my team.  i'm forever grateful to studly for being my rock, and for boog; such an adaptable and forgiving little boy.  i have also made a few friends that have been so amazing to me, not to mention my sweet sister missionaries.  i would carry them around in my pockets daily because i love them so.  i have support here, but it's just not the same.  

so off i go, trying so hard to give the new meds a chance.  trying even harder to believe that a pain clinic can help.  trying even harder harder not to cry every second because i feel so alone and exhausted.  

my sweet readers, please, a prayer for me tonight?




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18 comments:

elliespen said...

Oh, Kenna. Praying. Praying hard. Love you.

angrrrrred sister said...

I'm gonna find a lion and punch it in the ball sack just for YOU! ...and then maybe that doctor...and then after a good stare down, I will inform him that he has some pain. I think the lion will know before I examine it, so I will pass up on that stare down. I love you sister.

Debbie Cranberryfries said...

Many prayers!

Layla said...

Love you, Kenna.

Erin said...

Kenna, thanks for keeping us in the know. I can't imagine how exhausting and painful this is for you. Lots of prayers your way.

Alli said...

I hope andpray you findsome relief, Friend!

Mandy Campbell said...

Sending prayers your way! Something's I just will never understand and one of them being why any woman has to go through these things:(.

Emily Cureton Booth said...

This is awful. I am so, so sorry you're going through this. Especially, here in Ohio with out your family and friends nearby. You are one strong, brave lady!

Susan said...

Kenna this breaks my heart. Many prayers coming your way for sure.

Tara said...

Hey Kenna. Sorry you have to go through this so far away from those that would comfort you the most. This is Tara, btw, and we emailed awhile ago. I just wanted to see if you heard of The Endometriosis Diet? Obviously there is no cure for endo but this is supposed to help with inflammation and pain. I haven't started it yet because limits wheat, dairy, sugar, refined foods and soda. Once I feel comfortable consuming water and lemons all day then I think I can make a successful transition. :)

Sarah said...

My dear friend, you are the ROCK STAR!!!!! You are so strong even if at times you don't think you are! You help me put life in perspective! I'm praying for you my friend!

Brinn said...

sending hugs to you kenna girl. I second the diet/nutrition suggestions, or perhaps check out a holistic dr. I've been to a few and they offer a very different and sometimes very helpful perspective. I am a huge believer in the healing power of food. So much so, that is my new career path. Just an idea, love. Don't give up dear, it'll all be okay in the end, if it's not okay... then it's not the end! You can do this! xoxoxo

Richard and McKenna said...

O kenna I am so sorry. Praying hard for you!

The Jensens said...

I don't normally curse, but what the hell?! Seriously?????? Why do our bodies have to turn on us completely? At least, the Doctor sounds competent (which is exactly what you need right now). Menopause sucks big time and going through it again is definitely not ok.

Wanna trade places? I'm not placed with any foster kids right now and I'm pretty stable.

Ditto on the food thing. When I had the blood test for food allergies in the spring it really helped. The lab I used is immunolabs. Since insurance usually doesn't cover squat, the test is rather pricey. If you decide to do it (totally not pressuring you in ANY way....just throwing out options), I would gladly donate a few hundred to cover the cost :-)

I'm cursing and praying for you because I can't do anything else :-P

Whitney said...

So sorry that you have to go through this! Praying for you!

Leslie said...

Oh Kenna. I just can't even imagine. I'm so sorry. Frustrated for you. Praying for you. Wishing I could do more.

brian and amanda said...

kenna girl!! i am so sorry you are going through this! i wish it could all be taken a way. prayers for you FOREVER. even when this pain subsides. i believe it will. it HAS to, right?

what the eff on your crappy doctor! must be an MD and not a DO. ;) i seriously thought DO was crap before i was educated on it. the more i know about them, the more they seem to care a bit more for their patients.

through this blog entry, you still make me laugh. i love you girl! i wish i could wrap you in a huge blanket and take your pain a way. i am so sorry you are away from family and close friends, but know we are all praying and rooting for you my dear.

Lacey said...

I realize this post is over a year old, but where the crap have you been all my life? I have endo pretty bad, but sounds like you have been through hell. I was so close to having a full hysterectomy this summer, but sounds like it will be more like next year. I'm am scared...well you know the word I'm talking about here. I am also an adoptive mom, LDS, and get your sense of humor so we should pretty much be best friends by now. Ok I'm really not trying to freak you out, but here's to you endo sister. Thanks for your honesty. It's refreshing for me.

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