Saturday, January 5, 2013


“God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was I who didn't. In this trial He makes us occupy the dock, the witness box, and the bench all at once. He always knew that my temple was a house of cards. His only way of making me realize the fact was to knock it down.”
                                                                                                              c.s. lewis, 'a grief observed'

i can't really fathom the fact that i have put six years between me and the experience of losing our firstborn.  then again, it feels like i have finally been freed from the days when it was so painful to breathe on this day.  in the moment the sentiment, 'time heals all wounds' seemed cold and confusing, for time could surely not heal my broken heart nor bring our sweet daughter back to us.  however, as i live and breathe this day, like it were any other day, i realize that time does, if we allow it, slowly heal our broken souls.  

i can't say i'm grateful for what happened, and i'm not sure i ever will be able to say it, but i can say that i'm grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who knew what i would need to heal.  i am grateful for what i've learned, for the journey that has followed, and for the opportunities my experience has presented me.  

you know, i really don't understand most things.  i'm an infant when it comes to any sort of knowledge of God, but i do know He is so very much aware of us.  that He is never hidden from us.  it is because of Him, and His Son, that i am alive...breathing...healed.  i will see her again.  i'm her mother, yesterday, today, forever.  

addalyn leise
january 5, 2007

"a perfect halo
of gold hair and lightning
sets you off against
the planet's last dance"  

photo by the talented jenny wheeler.

 thank you to my sweet friends, lindsey, leisha and kimmie.  this is the picture i keep in my house to remember her.  the nurses gave us the option of having our picture taken with her and some taken of her, but i refused. so while i have ultrasound pictures, and we did take one photo of her that has some how gotten lost in the shuffle, this has been the best way for me to keep her close. 

more on my religion here.

 Image and video hosting by TinyPic


Kandice said...

i just love ya.

TTABaby said...

When I first finished school I worked in the technology department at a hospital. One of the programs I helped set up allowed the nurses to take pictures for parents that lost their baby. I think of those sweet images often as the nurses so delicately took those few images the parents would have of their angel. I was always honored to take part when the nurses needed help to get the camera to sync with the computer. When my own infertility became a part of who I was; I thought back to those images, and to those parents who went home to an empty nursery. Your picture you posted so simple yet so powerful. I think you are far wiser then you give yourself credit for. Thank you for sharing your blog with us.

Anonymous said...

love ya Kenna

Von said...

thinking of you friend.

what a strong person you are.

elliespen said...

I seem to have lost my words for the moment, so I'll just say that I love you.

Aubs said...

Beautiful Kenna. Can't stop crying right now. I don't understand much either but I know you were sent here to help heal hearts and even though I haven't lost a little one I feel your words have healed me somehow. We're all a little broken, in this crazy world with so much pain, so thanks for patching me up a bit today :) Love ya.

Anonymous said...

kenna, i love that necklace. we are all here for you and LOVE you so so very much! love you girl! we need some talks ASAP.

and i am LOVING that CS Lewis quote. i may be stealing it. :)

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