Thursday, April 18, 2013

...foxes hunt the hounds...

hi.

remember me?  

maybe?

i'm still here.  i think..

ohio is hectic.  i often wonder what the hell i was thinking going back to school.  it seriously makes life about 500 times more intense.  especially considering i threw biology out the window and decided to start over with psychology.  i studied human biology/cell biology/blah blah blah with the hopes of ending up in the medical field but after being a medical patient for so long, the desire left me.  so, my hope is that i can eventually get into a good masters program (either in psychology or social work) and end up working as a clinician/social worker with an adoption agency.  really, though, i've had so many affirmations about this choice and honestly, after what happened to us with kate, i don't even want that to happen to anyone else.  the birth father didn't feel like he was 'represented' or 'heard.'  now, i don't know how much of his crap i believed (his actions spoke louder than his words) but my hope is i can do what that one case worker didn't.  (long story short, she was so awful and we don't speak her name in this house)  anyway, i'm sure you all wanted that update. 

i've had a lot on my mind lately, which usually comes out on the blog but i haven't been able to get words into a cohesive post.  it's been curiously quiet around here, hasn't it?  i don't know, i'm just a hot mess.  with a lot in my hot mess mind.  you ready for this hot mess of a post?  

WAH BAM! YOU'VE BEEN HOT MESSED!

that doesn't sound right, does it?

so, i have this negative internal dialogue (thank you tiff for giving it a name) and she has been really loud lately.  today she was practically screaming at me.  her go to is usually to insult me as a mother.  after that, she attacks my body image.  this is usually enough to make me cry, and that shuts her up for a bit.  maybe she feels bad?  i don't know, but anyway, today she took it a step further.  she went after my intelligence.  i was in my abnormal psych class and my professor explained how she was a, 'geriatric neuropsychologist'. did i mention that she is only 26?  yeah.  now, normally i would shrug this off because so what?  i'm 28, i have a degree and i may not be a neuropsychologist, but i've survived a different life.  i have an amazing husband and a beautiful son.  so, i may not have achieved that much as far as school/career is concerned, but that isn't any reason to feel less than, right?  

well, today all i heard was 'WRONG.'  i let my negative internal dialogue EAT.  ME.  ALIVE.  

"you're a fool.  you'll never be that smart.  you are fat.  you are an awful mom.  you should be skinnier.  no one stays this fat after all you've been though.  you need to be a better teacher to harley.  you need to be a better wife to josh.  you need to be better with everything because you suck at everything."

that is on repeat in my head.  i started crying after my abnormal psych class and couldn't make it through my cognitive psych class.  nice, kenna.  missing class is totally going to help you get that masters degree, right?  


i came home and took a walk with my family.  while we were walking, josh and i talked about our future house.  we know that it is still a little ways away (you know, student loans) but this is all going to be so worth it.  you know, because josh and i REALLY want a slide from the main floor to the basement ball pit (this is not a joke) as well as a boat.  we are totally getting a boat.  now, harley got sick of this talk (although he voted 'yes' on the ball pit) so we talked about and found different colors on the way home.  

POINT BEING...

my internal dialogue needs to shut the hell up.

yeah, i'm chubby...er...really chubby.  i'm not 26 and working on my dissertation.  i'm totally not super mom and sometimes harley is in his under wear all day.  i don't always make dinner and my house isn't perfect and i do not do any crafts or decorate or successfully do any of the things i pin on pinterest.  i definitely don't rub my husband's feet.  holy crap, there are SO MANY THINGS i'm not. 

but...


i'm a survivor.  brain tumors, infertility, reversed adoption to name a few.  i'm the wife that followed her husband 1,800 miles to ohio so he could follow the dream he's had for years.  i'm the mom who loves her kiddo fiercely and does everything in my power to give him a great life. i'm a loving daughter and sister. i'm a loyal friend.  i do the best i can with what i have.  

ugh, why do we let that voice get us down?!  (i am assuming that i'm not the only one with this problem)

i'm trying to be more positive about myself, and ho boy, it's a process, but these thoughts do nothing for me nor my family.  these type of thoughts do nothing but hurt, tear down, and keep people from seeing the good in themselves.  

shut up the negative inner dialogue.  they win too much.


amen god bless.

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12 comments:

Ashley said...

I. Love. You. Seriously, you're beautiful (shut up, I'm right) you're amazing and I adore you.

Shut up.

I'mma slap that internal dialogue chick. I'll cut her. I'll cut her good.

You're brilliant, you're hilarious, you're brave and I am totally in love with you in all the creepy ways for wanting to do something about what happened to you. Who does that?! Who goes through hell and then comes back and says, "I'mma going to go BACKWARDS with an effing fire extinguisher so no one else has to get burned like I did."

WHO DOES THAT?!

Awesome people do. Kind people do. Loving, caring and GOOD people do. Hawt people do.

You do.

Because you're amazing and I'm blessed call you friend.

Love you and your guts. Thank you for being my friend.

Anonymous said...

nailed it.

ShannonH

Kerri Jex said...

I get that negative voice in my head a lot of the time too. I think as mothers an wives we are really hard on ourselves. I think it's normal. And I also think it's totally not normal to have your house perfect, cook a perfect meal every night, or even dress our kids every day. I know my house is a disaster most of the time, we eat sandwiches and quesadillas a lot, and my child ran around in a diaper for four months while I had my head in the toilet. You are doing so many good things and you need to give yourself more credit :)

Lynne said...

Dude, your kid is potty trained??

You win.

I'm all too familiar with that negative voice (I call her Poopoo Butt Face). She's a b-word.

Punch her. Punch her in the face.

Also, you're lovely.

a farmers wife and her real life said...

you. rock.

Katie said...

We've never met but I think you're amazeballs. No joke.

Kim said...

I don't know how I found your blog (probably through other adoption blogs)...but I did sometime quite a long time ago and have followed along. I don't know you either, but I think you're amazing. I love the way you write, I love that you have survived so many things and come out on top, and I love that you are so dedicated to bettering yourself. I also think you're hilarious. Just felt the urge to comment today for some reason, so there you have it!

BUSNINJA said...

One day I was trying to get some important things done, and to do so I had to wait for a certain bus (no duh). I walked almost a mile to the bus stop and sat down and waited. I waited an hour and the bus didn't come. Eventually I glumly trudged back home.

In my kitchen, the voice inside my head said:

"Oh, Eric, you really are a failure at life."

I thought about this for a minute, then I said, aloud:

"No, I'm not! And if you say that again I'm going to read the scriptures for two hours!"

(I had the day off work. I could have done it.)

Interestingly enough, it worked. I realized that day that Internal Monologue Boy didn't come from inside me and that I didn't have to put up with him.

I second the comments above mine on this post. No one else could live your life as well as you do. We are each led to where we will do the most good, and your power to do good is very great. Don't give up!

Alice Anne said...

It all boils down to comparison. We all do it. We compare ourselves to others. We compare our weaknesses to other people's strengths. It's a skewed perception! Don't let it fool you! I think you're pretty dang amazing. :)

Shauna Holt said...

You are amazing. I have a negative voice too. I think everyone does. Its good to remember not to listen! I think we'd be astonished if we could see ourselves as our Heavenly Father does :) Hang in there girl.

The Jensens said...

Huh. I totally thought I was the only one with a negative voice in my head. I assumed it was because I am crazy (my mother did have me tested!). If only there were some way to turn the dang voice off!

As Elder Uchtdorff said, "STOP IT!!" :-D

Ditto to all the other comments.

Love ya girl!

brian and amanda said...

you are not alone on the negative voice in your head. that happens to me ALL OF THE TIME. and it DOES need to shut the hell up.

look at you! you are amazing. look at all that you are accomplishing! it takes time to get through hard hard things and you are doing great! always list your great qualities when that idiot, negative voice pops into your head.

you will be an inspiring, helpful social worker. all who work for you are just going to love you!

kenna, i love you girl and it has been far too long since we have spoken. call me. write me. i love you!

your garden of... friend. :)

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